Funny Sayings You Cant Take It With You but
Editors' note: This article was offset published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Dearest Messages to Texas' collector'due south issue.
Mutual every bit cornbread, sometime as dirt, funny every bit all become-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agricultural by, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken sense of humour of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Annual; plenty just brand us express joy. Nosotros asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we present as well a sample of other axioms and adages common to the state—a drove of sayings as big as all hell and one-half of Texas.
Acceptable
Information technology's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
That'south shut enough for government work.
Might every bit well. Tin can't trip the light fantastic, never could sing, and it'south too wet to turn.
I could sit still for that.
You tin't beat that with a stick.
Exhibitionistic
He can strut sitting downward.
He's all hat and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced it.
Dishonest
He's on a start-proper noun basis with the lesser of the deck.
So kleptomaniacal that if he swallowed a nail he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So kleptomaniacal you can't tell from his tracks if he'due south coming or going.
He knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a canis familiaris's hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More than twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked as a butt of fish hooks.
Then kleptomaniacal he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She's more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He's slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
You tin can have that to the banking company.
You tin can hang your hat on information technology.
Y'all can bet the farm on it.
He'southward so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look nether her wing for the tin can.
Brave
Brave as the first homo who ate an oyster.
Brave as a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He's double-backboned.
He'southward got more guts than you could hang on a contend.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice h2o.
Argumentative, Mad
She could first a fight in an empty house.
He'd argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk nether it.
He's the only hell his mama ever raised.
He'southward got his tail upward.
She'southward in a horn-tossing mood.
She's so reverse she floats up-stream.
She'due south dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell you how the moo-cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama'southward frock.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He's first cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
He's yellow equally mustard but without the bite.
He may not be a chicken, simply he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
Then dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
And so dry my duck don't know how to swim.
It's been dry out so long, we only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah's Flood.
And so dry I'm spitting cotton.
Dry equally a pulverization house.
Dry every bit the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Decorated
He'due south so decorated yous'd retrieve he was twins.
They're doing a land-function business.
Decorated as a one-legged homo at an ass-boot convention.
Decorated as a funeral dwelling house fan in July.
Busy as a 1-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Decorated as a stump-tailed balderdash in fly season.
Busy as a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south 40 before breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She's jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a cadger on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
He's so country he thinks a seven-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
They lived so far out in the country that the dominicus prepare betwixt their house and town.
Capable, Experienced
She's got some snap in her garters.
He'south got enough of arrows in his quiver.
She's got equus caballus sense.
He's got plenty of notches on his gun.
She'south a correct smart windmill fixer.
He could find a whisper in a cyclone.
There's no slack in her rope.
He'due south a iii-spring cowboy.
He can ride the crude string.
If she crows, the sun is up.
This ain't my starting time rodeo.
Full general Advice
Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the just animal that can't fall down.
Never sign nothing by neon.
Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
Y'all tin can't get lard unless y'all boil the pig.
If yous cut your ain firewood, information technology'll warm you twice.
There's more than than i way to break a dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don't hang your launder on someone else's line.
Do God's volition, whatever the hell it may be.
Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
Why shear a pig?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his ain hole.
Quit hollering downward the pelting.
Don't rile the wagon master.
Meliorate to continue your oral cavity shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all uncertainty.
The befouled door'south open up and the mule's trying to run. (Your fly's down.)
Don't get all het up nearly it.
In that location's a large departure between the ox and the whiffletree.
There'southward no tree but bears some fruit.
Skin your own buffalo.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule's tail can catch cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a inundation.
If yous lie downwards with dogs, you become up with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't autumn far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let's shoot out the lights.
Nosotros'll paint the town and the forepart porch.
Let's hallelujah the county.
Put the little pot in the large pot.
Throw your chapeau over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll wear my Lord's day-go-to-meeting clothes.
He's all gussied up.
Big
Fat every bit a boardinghouse true cat.
Fat as a town dog.
She'south warm in winter, shady in summertime.
He don't intendance what you call him as long as y'all telephone call him to supper.
So big he looks similar he ate his blood brother.
So big he has to sit downwardly in shifts.
Large as Brewster County.
Large as Dallas.
Big as a Brahma balderdash.
She'd rather milk shake than rattle.
He'southward big plenty to deport chase with a co-operative.
He'due south all spread out like a cold supper.
Broad as two ax handles.
He'll eat anything that don't eat him outset.
Inexpensive
Tight as Dick'southward hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight every bit a clothesline.
Tight as a dabble cord.
Tight every bit wallpaper.
Tight as a moisture boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has curt arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big hole in his screen door.
She'due south one bubble off plumb.
She's one brick shy of a load.
She's ii sandwiches short of a picnic.
He'due south a few pickles brusque of a barrel.
There'due south a lite or 2 burned out on his string.
He'south missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch lite's on but no ane's home.
He'due south lost his vertical concord.
He's overdrawn at the retentiveness banking concern.
I hear y'all clucking, but I can't discover your nest.
She'south got too many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy every bit Larrabee's dogie.
Lucky
He could draw a pat manus from a stacked deck.
He ever draws the best bull.
He'south riding a gravy railroad train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In alpine cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come to town two to a mule.
She'southward got more than she can say grace over.
And then rich they can eat fried craven all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the globe toll a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He's and then broke he's disrepair all Ten Commandments.
Poor as a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw information technology out of.
And then poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I nevertheless roll upwardly into a ball when I hear a dog bawl.
So poor nosotros had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
Poor as sawmill rats.
He's broke equally a stick horse.
He's too poor to pay attending.
So poor the wolf won't even stop at their door.
And so poor their Lord's day supper is fried h2o.
Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot equally a two-dollar pistol.
Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot as a pot of cervix bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is grunter-killing atmospheric condition.
There'south just a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it'south down (later on a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger's articulatio genus.
Cold every bit a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife's middle.
Cold as a cast-fe commode.
Cold as a banker'due south center.
Cold equally hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I experience so low I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow past the spoonful.
You await like you were sent for and couldn't get.
Sad enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.
He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She's frying size.
He'due south knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd have to stand up to look a rattler in the center.
About as large every bit the picayune stop of nothing.
Half as large equally a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing betwixt the horns and hooves but hide.
Thin as a bar's ear.
Thin as a gnat'due south whisker.
Thin as store-bought thread.
Thin as Depression soup.
Thin as a dabble string.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Apartment as a fritter.
Scarce-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
So skinny you lot could requite her a Large Ruby and utilize her equally a thermometer.
Then skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He's such a liar he'd beat you lot senseless and tell God yous barbarous off a horse.
He was born sorry.
He's and then low he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama'due south egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma'southward grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead man'due south optics.
No-account swain.
Bitter as gall.
Tough every bit nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough equally whang.
Hateful equally a mama wasp.
Friendly every bit a brier bush.
She makes a hornet await cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
Crude as a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing canis familiaris.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his ain mama's fleas.
He's got horns property up his halo.
We're not on borrowing terms.
You're and then depression you have to look up to run into hell.
He's so low you couldn't put a carpeting under him.
He jumped on me with all four feet.
A existent revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He tin can blow out the lamp and jump into bed before it gets dark.
He gets in that location in one-half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small-boondocks gossip.
Faster than a prairie burn down with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house ablaze.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd catch upwardly to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Potent
His breath's so strong you could hang out the washing on it.
That coffee's so strong information technology'll put hair on your breast.
Coffee then strong information technology'll walk into your cup.
Java and then potent it'll raise a blood blister on a boot.
He's so strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Look what the cat dragged in.
Visitor'southward coming; add together a cup of water to the soup.
We've howdied but nosotros oasis't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let'due south chaw the rag.
Divergence/Good-cheerio
Let'south calorie-free a shuck.
It'due south time to heat up the bricks.
It'south fourth dimension to put the chairs in the wagon.
It's time to swap spit and hitting the road.
It'due south time to put out the burn and call in the dogs.
He's heading for the wagon thou.
Let'due south accident this popular stand.
That nigh puts the rag on the bush.
Church is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy will let it.
Accept a tater and wait.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Wash off your war pigment.
Tired
Looks similar she's been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put abroad wet.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser'due south bone.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
One wheel down and the axle dragging.
I'chiliad almost nearly past going.
Ill
He'southward got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'm so ill I'd have to go better to die.
Sore equally a eddy.
Her hopper's busted.
Equally full of pains as an old window.
I've got the dark-green apple nasties.
He looks like decease warmed over.
So ill he needs two beds.
Lamentable as a three-legged domestic dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He's got a ten-gallon mouth.
She speaks x words a second, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She's got natural language enough for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his own wind.
He's a alive dictionary.
He's a mentum musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut upwardly like a boardinghouse pit.
Grinning like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous equally a wing in the glue pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She'southward chewing her fleck.
Caution
You were too hard to raise to take chances.
Don't dig upwardly more snakes than you tin can kill.
Whistle earlier you walk into a stranger'south army camp.
Don't plow also close to the cotton wool.
A expressionless snake can still bite.
A dead bee can still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while.
Someday you happen to pass my firm, I'd sure appreciate information technology.
What did you lot practice with the coin your mama gave you lot for singing lessons?
Were y'all raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Even the chickens under the porch know that.
You olfactory property like you want to be left alone.
Become peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If you break your leg, don't come running to me.
Any greases your wagon.
Problem
Got a large hole in the fence.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong railroad vehicle.
They hung the wrong horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
There's a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the air current.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He broke his arm patting himself on the dorsum.
He thinks the sun comes upwardly but to hear him crow.
I'd like to purchase him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She's so spoiled salt couldn't save her.
She'southward so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunk/Drinking
He wasn't born, merely squeezed out of a bartender'south rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunkard.
Drunk as Cooter Brown.
Drunkard every bit a skunk.
Don't chop any wood this evening; Daddy'due south coming home with a load.
Tighter than bawl on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing upward.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, human knee-walking boozer.
Desolate
Looks similar hell with anybody out to dejeuner.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard allurement.
He gave upwards his guitar for a harp.
He ate a bitter pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-sucking dog.
As welcome every bit an outhouse breeze.
As welcome as screwworm.
As welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
Every bit welcome as a skunk at a lawn political party.
As welcome equally a moisture shoe.
Every bit welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Easy
No colina for a stepper.
Slick every bit a whistle.
Easy as pie.
Difficult
Like trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Easy as pissing upwards a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather or his raising.
He got defenseless in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar knife.
Smart
Bright every bit a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Impaired
If a duck had his brain, information technology would wing north for the wintertime.
He doesn't take enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon, he wouldn't fifty-fifty sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb as dirt.
Dumb equally a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of hair.
Impaired as a post.
Impaired every bit a wagon bike.
Impaired as a prairie canis familiaris.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know enough to pound sand down a rat hole.
He can't ride and chew at the aforementioned time.
And then stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
He don't know which end'south up.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know goose egg from nothing.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a encephalon, it'd die of loneliness.
Then thick-headed you lot can hitting him in the face with a tire iron and he won't yell till forenoon.
He could spiral up an anvil.
Beat
He gave me the wire-castor treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch y'all bald-headed.
I'll whip y'all like a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock you plumb into adjacent calendar week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He'southward been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face up fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush.
Nothing to write dwelling about.
That dog won't chase.
I'd just equally soon bite a bug.
I don't cotton fiber to it.
Confused
Confused equally a goat on AstroTurf.
My tongue got defenseless in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was proverb.
I tin can explain it to you, but I can't sympathize information technology for you lot.
He ran 'em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They telephone call her "radio station" because anyone can pick her up, especially at night.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose as ashes in the wind.
Loose every bit a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her canvass for a tablecloth.
He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
She's found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper earlier they said grace.
They planted their crop before they built their fence.
They're hitched but not churched.
They've got a cotton-patch license.
Pregnant
She's got a bun in the oven.
She'south sitting on the nest.
She'south got i in the chute.
She's been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a bit from a butt.
You lot don't alive longer in the urban center; it just seems that mode.
Noisy
Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin roof.
Noisy every bit a restless mule in a tin can barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Grandpa's Sunday necktie.
He called his hogs all nighttime. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the current of air with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't striking the floor if he cruel out of bed.
Handy every bit hip pockets on a hog.
Worthless as teats on a balderdash.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Non worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing competition in a brewery.
Useless as two buggies in a one-horse town.
He could spiral up a 2-automobile funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw it away, and you can say y'all lost something.
He'due south got no more adventure than a June issues in the chicken coop.
He's a day tardily and a dollar short.
He tin't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She'due south itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the barn door after the horses are out?
No more adept than an eyeless needle.
Like warming up leftover snow.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Similar sweet-talking the h2o out of the well.
Proficient, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby's jiff.
Sweeter than an old maid'southward dream.
He took to you like a sus scrofa to persimmons.
He took to you like a fish to water.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Safe as Granny's snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert equally a cricket.
Soft equally a two-minute egg.
All wool and a thousand wide.
I'm cooking on a front burner today.
If I felt any better, I'd drop my harp plumb through the deject.
If I felt any better, I'd retrieve it was a setup.
Fatty and sassy.
All sweet and calorie-free.
This is and so practiced it'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton fiber.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine every bit cream gravy.
The porch light is e'er called-for.
Long every bit I got a biscuit, you got half.
Distance
Downward the route a piece.
A fur piece.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say information technology'south far, simply I had to grease the wagon twice before I striking the chief route.
Two hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more frequently than Mama's washing.
He's like a blister—he doesn't evidence up till the piece of work'south all done.
Shy
Shy as a mail service-order helpmate.
Shy every bit a crocus.
Shy every bit sapphires.
Dark
Equally dark as the within of a wolf.
Dark as bury air.
Night equally a pocket.
Nighttime as a cow.
Dark as a blue norther.
Dark equally the devil's riding boots.
Dark as truck-stop java.
Handy
Handy as sliced breadstuff.
Handy every bit shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Scarce
Scarce equally hen's teeth.
Scarce every bit grass around a hog trough.
Scarce as rain barrels.
Dull (as a knife)
Yous could ride all the way to Big Leap on information technology and never divide a hair.
Information technology wouldn't cutting hot butter.
You could scratch your back with it and never draw blood.
Ho-hum (boring)
As exciting every bit waiting for paint to dry out.
Every bit exciting as a mashed-murphy sandwich.
As much fun as chopping woods.
Tedious every bit Henry's bone.
Miscellaneous
Contained equally a hog on ice.
I don't know you from Adam'due south off ox.
Thick equally the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm canis familiaris.
That's ii different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or high water.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
I don't intendance if it harelips the governor.
Serious as the business end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'southward so slow he could gain weight walking.
Out similar Lottie's eye.
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Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
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